Limitation

Merley accepting and allowing my state of existence I exist in. SElf limitation, limiting myself to set patterns, set trains of thought.

Chris,
I continue to have thoughts about chris, about his expression of himself, i continue to have thoughts about him because of of how i related to him, how he expresses. its was suppression, i knew was fucking something, that shit was suppresseing, that was something, shit i dont understand. What was it. Shit, man i just had thoughts about not knowing how to swim, then i had thoughts about swimming nad shit, augh, what the fuck was that, did i suppress mysefl. it feels strange though, really strange, i forgave myself for what i had 'felt' was to be forgiven because of the moment i was/am in.I figured it was about my past application so i applied for it, shit now i have feelings about, well thoughts of..... this is strange something is happening to me. More self dishonest shit. SHIT. Moew *more thoughts again, pattern of my mind again, ok, this is going to continue if i dont get my ass up. Get my ass up and out of the past. Most of this shit is memories. Memories/past shit. Shit this whole mind system is about the past.woah.ow, ok not this way. I had a thought about the cat/relationship finger structural. And shit i think *presume that i could possibly be malnurished, like seriously malnurished, I figure that this is one of the main reasons why i feel this way physically. I have never really....hiding something, felt it on the back of my knee, i had the thought of not being able to eat because of the system, who the hell am i while i am eating, why the hell do i eat in the first place. Ego knee pops, both, shit man, i know this system is here becasue of my starting point. I think im malnurished too. I dont know, what the hell. Oh i had forgotten,the patterns , just got mind fucked a little, but the patterns, i have soem serious physical patterns, when i hunch over, freaking every moment, seriously every moment of my life, hunching. Ow, achillies, ah im living in the past, i wont let go, unconditionally forgive. Well i had the thought of foca speaking to me about hunching and then i had the thought of it getting really bad and not , ana and foca not being able to keep up the business, capoeira, i had the thought of foca saying that its not 'good' to hunch, and had the thought of foca 'judging' me. I just had another go at thoughts regarding judgments, had the thought of forgiving mysefl on here for judging foca and him seeing it and being offended, and then me saying to him that if you are not that then ............shit shit shitty shit shit fuck bithc , ow. perception shit sole of foot,. Well, the patterns were physical that i am /was focusing. *********woah had a nitty gritty moment, Women , regarding herpes, this is some nitty gritty shit, i mean dirty shit. See I have got some hear me please. I can remember wanting to get with women, to kiss them and have sex with them , knowing that i have some hear me please, i had not considered the women, well i did for a moment then i would seemingly forget, and just get possed with the desire to sex a girl. I would not care that i had hear me please,i didnt even really consider about how the woman would exist, live like how she would be 'after', I wouldnt even care, for instance when i wanted to have sex with caracol, palmeira, pintadinha, ana, pornstars, girl in my building, tapioca, girafa, acai, chicotinho,, holy shit my nose is numb, breathe. Dam something is happening to me. i dont know what it is. Ok. pimentinha , mulatta, carolina, waitressess from spanish restaurant, every woman i saw that i was attracted to on the streets, shani, bertha, renita, jessica, gina, this really feels like my old habit of application, shit i missed a point. The desire was *** This feels interesting, i really have a headache, also with this i was a....ow ow owow, I also continue to imagaine self forgivenesses. I aslo havent really gotten to the realization that i am Alon... ow, shit alright no more, o shit this is honesty, fucking honesty what the fuck. Comon where 's the self honesty. Man i know this is really not the priority oint, im ow ow, shit honesty again. Well with the hear me please, i was hesitant to approoach women. I was always shy(i think i am possessed) . I dont kow how to deal with possessions, do i just , well im not going wait, Holy shit, my wrists just cracked . Hmm this is a personality demon, alright, so i was hesitant to approach women, hence the reason why i neve..... somm,,,common, i was also hesitant to have sex and relationships with women because i did not want them to get my hear me please, herpes. I did want want to spread it, but i really did want to have sex. I had wanted to use condoms with them,. I would also imagine the woman a woman i was attracted to, trying to go down on me to give me blow job and i would say to only do it with a condom on, out of fear of spreading my herpes. i would want to kiss the women too but i knew that kissing spreads it as well. It was strange, i didnt let it get to me that much, i had suppressed mysefl within masturbation, i used masturbation, along with other points such as po.... I suppressed myself within the belief, hope the one of these days i would get aigrl to have sex with, that was all i really wanted, Just a 'desire for sex. The desire for the feeling, the desire for the sensations, ow. I can remember being a fiend, a fiend for sex. I had settled with the suppression, i dont know if i was patient or suppressing, i assume it was both, i had wanted a woman who had the same illness as myself, that was the main reason why , ow, ow, ow, fuck shit, not this , am i writing this as me, ow ow , yeah i am. Well that is how i had existed, i was shy, wanted to be approached and almost never really approaching out of fear of denial, feared being denied by women. I feared being 'hurt'' from getting turned down. I would always watch /look at a woman that i was attracted too. Oh yeah ginasta too. Its, and pocahontas, i remember her telling me about a story of herself regarding coisa wanting, no ...... self dishonest, gossip, shit, i can remember her speaking about the dishonesty of having sex with a woman without telling the woman that an illness exist. I can remember walking iwth her, with the intent on having sex with her, knowing that i have an illness that is contractable. ow. well this hear me please is from my **** I remember wanting to have sex with pocahontas, i really didnt know how sex would be like with my illness. I would go through phases off o and on. 'No cant have sex, i have this' , ' .. aah shti, dishonest. Shit thoughts, shit im numb and shi.. ow ok no . well, i had always hoped, with the condom inmy wallet, always 'prepared' for the opportunity that i 'hoped' for (CONSTRUCT). Hoping, depending, fearing, just flucking around with the mind really, I had hoped for a girl to just give herself. Woah, this is strange, i dont really feel this but dont know if it stil exist. Well this is strange. shit thoughts about permit test, shin points. hmm, well i know i had also gotten comfortable with my world that i had lived in. ow. hmm, ok. So i had allowed mysfl to be selfish only considering myself, compromised mysefl by allowing myself to hope I allowed mysfl to be deceptive in thought. This shows ponts of manipulation, really just self deception, self dishonesty, self suppression, beliefs, desires , expectations, fears, dependencies, oipup and inadequacy , ok now