2/26/10

Ok. Just went through a roller coaster again. I had been for a while wondering what is it with . I had ended up maiking the email, i sent the email and now, well then, i weent into a coaster of thoughts feelings and emotions, I am seeing a helluva lot of things, A.D.D., beliefs of amnesia,mind fuck, im seing lots of pictures, like a movie. and when i speak, type it, boof, theres the movie, its like i , even just then, i went throgh a forgetfulness shift. it was very suttle. when saying boof, what had wanted type, had prepared to type had changed, i was going to say and when i type and speak it, i react. This here as well, i would start with one thing, and then it would go to other poins without even touching the point istarted with. Go off into other shit. Stick with it. I ..... just went through another coaster, i would go off into thoughts during and after applying statements of self forgiveness. Just now i went into trainn of thought for a few seconds regarding me actaully living for mysefl. Specifidcally me being told or spoken about living, this process for myself, not for others. That was a thought that came up. It was me allwoig mysefl to go off into the mind again. when i apply self forgiveness, thoughts move, thoughts that have nothing to do with what i am forgiving myself for. This literally happened before, literally, this same senarios, tight throaht, warm head, (relationship right finger.) Its like am i going to stay within the life of experiences. Or am i goint to live my principles. Man typing ,, writing, it is something for me, its like to me or am, movement again.................well im still warm in my forehead, that means im still up therre somewhere. This is like the timeWhen i dropped school. Another thought, involving dropping school to go to SA, like a point that i missed within my forgivness. (agh, ) yeah i missed points, gone into daydreams again.. Well with dropping school my motive was that i did not want to be in education system, i didnt have a reason to be there, i was at first going to school to recieve tap money to pay for SRA.. I deemed that as self dishonest, i did not want to use . going to school just to take the tap money didnt 'feel' right, i judged the shyt out myself. I kept on wondering 'what to do what to do', i would feel ths no directive principle.

Daydreams again, this time about the farm, getting trained, and things, not allowing myself to direct myself, going off into dreams, wishes, well a dream would be a desire eh. Desire. the pain is telling me no.
Hmm, well my forehead is still warm . ok what is it that i am looking for , missing. these are repeating for a reason, what is it, this is what i have been attempting, focusing on seeing. What is it there are many points that i see, and when i work with them, when i work with them.. hmm i remember this feeling, its a feeling of waiting. And i just had a thought about me being so far behind in process. Behind whwat, others, other , myself, how i could be, could have been. . what i could have been i......off on direction again. This keeps happening, I had the thought of being so behind in process because i was twitchin and I am experiencing myself in a past similar state, directino again. Subtle things that get to me, really sublte . REAlY SUBTLE. Really, so when did the sublte moment start with me, THOUGHTS, IDEAS, BE_LIE_FS, specifically it started recently speaking when i was called upon by g.. Immaturity, went into another moment. Thoughts, now there are thoughts about the farm again, i have these thoughts again. ok, stop, to stop this there is only myself. ok, to stop this is to self forgive. what is stopping me. What is the subtle thing about me. What is it about me is it that i am not seeing clearly, what about me, is createing beliefs, and ideas, . Well i think and react to the thinking, i would have a thought, and not like it, push it away and be like it didnt really happen to me, yet be affected by it. I would have thaought and like it, and participate in it and then feel like it is was me. I would have casual/neutral thgoutshs that i would allow. I give passage way to .. i let thoughts affect me, i let, for instance these thoughts of being ridiculed and pushed down by others ethat are not of systmes anylonger, on the farm, in my mind, imagining things, it seeems to be inferiority that i allow to reign. Free choice is really hurting. It must be something i am not doing, that i believe that i have the choice to not do. WEll i am not stopping the daydreams, that is one thing that i am not doing, out of what, fear,belief, that i cant apply forgivenss, perception, old thoughts comming up now,of sleeping on the floor at the farm. What is ethis.... hm, well, could this be obsession, obsessed with thoughts about the farm. Obsessed with the farm itself. Thats what it seems like, an obsession. ZSeems like amind fuck. Now my forehead is really hot, and my ankle on my left is hurting, no directive principle no flow no movemtns, i feel like it could have been an obsession, or is an obsession, obsessed over thgouthts , obsessed over knowledge and information, my beliefs created by them. I created ideas. Yeah obsession irrationally passionate. about thoughts. about the farm, thoughts abolut others,, really hot forehead again. I am obsessed over the daydreams, thoughts . For what purpose, reason, would i allow mysefl to become obsessed. Where did i allow obsession to kick in, when, how,?
The thoughts about going to the farm became obsessive when i had realized that there is a system manifested within me and forgiveness became food for it. Thats when i had become obsessed over finding the point. I had become even more obsessed , .. I had become obsessed over going to the farm, well thoughts of going to the farm when the continued to appeaer, i had become obsessed over actaully going there and then attempted to fight it fight it with not allowing myself to stay in the thgoughts, The thoughts became repetitive, i had been obsessed over thinking about desteni, every moment almost i would think about destni, i have always had the relationship finger hurting, it could be from obession, to be obsessed is to be in a type of relationshpi. I was obsessed about typing on the forum, reallya bout not typing on the forum.
obsessed aabout the forum itself, obsessed about things that i know of, things about the information that i have obtained,it is very subtle now how i relate to things, then obsess over it. I would plan out of obsession. I was obsessed over videos, i became . Doing things out of obsessive behavior patter(pain Thumb lft) i was deeply obsessed over thought, Am deeply obsessed. The obsessiveness. it is interestingly subtle now. So subtle that it is/was hard to see. i would obsess over points as well, its interesting becasue after i typed and sent the email i obsessed over it(ego point left), I would obsess over not suppressing a point. i would have a point that i am having, dealing with facing, and would not want it to suppress, so i would obsess over it because of what knowledge and information i have about supression. I would obsess over not obsesing. (ow ) Obsessing over manifestations. Obsessed over fears: of applying self dishonesty, consequences. Obsess over my experiences. Obsessed over a lot. My image. Ok, at the moment the obsession point begins with the thoughtss.


Obsession