I am feeling really strange, my body keeps on going numb on me, my left side of my body. I know its my expression of myself, I thnk i am suppressing something, Its gotta be suppression. Well, ill look. I had stopped hanging out with friends, I stopped going to capoeira class, I stopped participation with patterns of relationship with family. I stopped applying mysefl the way that i had before, just forgiveness all day with no application, now its like i dont apply as much forgiveness anymore, not as much as I had. I dont presume that is the problem at the moment, i think its my starting point. My left arm goes numb, enslaving mysefl to something, i am ensaveing my expression of mysfl to something, its smoothering, the feeling is numb smothering. I have been trying things, kept getting worse, I am trapping mysefl into something.

School

I had not wanted to go back to school. i didnt really want to go to college but I ended up going becuae i did not want to stay in the house all day anymore. I had also needed money to go to south africa if i had the chance. I also needed money to pay for Structural Resonance alignment training. I was going to go to school and get government funding to pay for SRAT. While i was in school it just felt like i did not belong there. I know its just not werhe i want to be, stuck learning knowledge and infromation that i dont have any interest in. i dont want to separate mysefl from the system, its friking wired. I coontinually judge beings in my school, i can see the relationship ties, i can see the definitions of self towards others,I look at the people and want them to realize as well whats going on, i know that it is me actually seeing me and what i have made myself into. I have this desire to preach knowledge and imformation that I have yet to completley live. I have this desire to tell, this desire to share, and i continually desire to help other beings, without even helping myself, i go into the mind and just start moving in the mind, creating thoughts about beings regarding what I know about what the hell is going on in society. Its like there is shit right in our faces and i can see that there are peaopl just accepting it. And i am here allowing mysefl to be influenced by other people allwoing themselves to be influenced. i have always been this way. When seeing another being or otherbeigs doing something that I seem is not beneficail to them i deem them as in distess and that i should help, do something, but even thinking about it leads me to where i am now, numb and smothered.

I have been very forgeetfull recently, this forgetfulness has been building up for a while,my attention span keeps fluctuating, i keep allowing mysefl to become distracted, there is something, that i am allowing mysefl to just not see.
I think that when i am distracted, i am suppressing whatever it was that I was doing, or assume that something else can assist me. This has been my , out of few that i am aware of, most standing out point, i keep becoming distracted. Its like i have ADD.
I would forgive points and then when the point shows up again i would forget that I have forgiven it. and even react to it. Its strange when i would forgive something and it would show up again and then i would become reminded of forgiveing it. I had read and wathced that forgivenesses, points can reappear and to just breath, realize the scenario and forgive myself for it. I even forget about that point when facing my self forgiven points through life.
Its strange when forgiving myself and then stating the corrective action to correct myself, but when movement through life comes, where is my self corrective action, ive gone and forgot, its me not being completely aware of myself. I keep taking things too seriously, or its more like obsessing over something. I just keep seeing points that pop up to choose from. i think thats where a point is about me. Choice, i continue to choose. choose self forgivenessess. Well i know that is one point but i have got my whole arm, whole right side of body going numb, so guess this had compounded overtime, i dont konw, is it because i stopped everything? Could be, dont know, i dont presume that is the cause, the cause is me. I am allowing mysefl to define mysfl according to memories of how I used to be. My knees hurt me so that helps me to see that i am defining mysefl according to the past.
Its like i have either become blind or more aware of myself, i assume its blindnees within awareneess like i know that i am blind, that i am allowing mysefl to be blind but writing this allows me to see. My main thing is now to release mysefl from this baggage that i have on me. I dont really like that I have to, no, allow mysefl to go into extremes to see what the hell it is that I am doing, continually learning the hard way. Its strange, stability, so many wobbly points to be aware of, one point clear there goes another and remain clear on that point so i dont get wobbled back into the other point then wobble into another point because i found out that I had wobbled back to the first point so it becoms really complex. yet i know its really simple, it always the simple things that i look over,

Desire to tell, desire to preach, desire to share without living my words.