Barrage of memories from capoeira

Holy shit. I went onto facebook and just looked at my pictures of when I used to play capoeira, I had comopletley stopped playing capoeira. Its like I had almost forgotten about it all. Just looking at the pictures on it had me like, wooosh. Like an oh shyt what the hell is this moment. I don’t really know what the hell this is. Is this like a realization that, hey look here, this what you have accepted and allowed yourself to be. Its like I had forgiven myself for capoeira itself, but holy shit. I mean holy shit. It was really a woosh. I don’t know if this is a personality demon or its me actually looking at what i have accepted and allowed. This strange clarity on the upper part of my body came over me. It was like a calmness. I don’t know if this calmness had to do with me suppressing capoeira and then becoming aware of it again. I had just stopped and moved on. Heh its like the obsessive suppressive traits that I allowed myself to live. At this moment as I am typing this sentence my breathing is getting heavier like its suppressing it. I think this is me, the me I accepted and allowed me to be. Its like, I am aware of what is for me to do, to actually realize myself so within that I just stopped capoeira, and now BOOM. I mean wow, its kind of cool to realize what I have accepted myself to just suppress. I mean I must have really suppressed it if it rushed like that. I hadn’t realized how big a part capoeira was about my life after I had realized that I had defined myself and my life according to capoeira. That’s the way I have allowed myself to exist. Just obsess and then suppress. Its ironic the way I have allowed myself to become. For years about three years I had dedicated myself to capoeira but I was just looking for myself. I was only looking for myself. I was introduced to capoeira pretty soon after I had gotten out of a pretty rough ending of a relationship that I was in for a couple years. Its like, I did not want to go to another person, so I found a way to express myself in a way. There are so many memories, its strange though its not like how it used to be, thoughts becoming quick and massive, its more like a calm that I have while being reminded about this. I don’t know what it is, it could be that I am aware from experience of thoughts flying around. But man what woosh that was. I was just reading about the global banking collapse that’s about to happen soon, wanted to share, looked on facebook saw Bernards blog group, saw my profile picture, which was a capoeira picture and then, woosh. I mean, it was such a woosh. Every picture that I saw just brought back memories, each and every picture. Its pretty interesting. And just realizing that I am not actually what I am being reminded of and knowing that I am here but have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the memories and past, and remaining here in breath is pretty interesting. Its like the falls that I have I learned from. Its like I am ready, like im just ready to face myself. It could just also be that I had only looked at the ‘negative’ experiences of capoeira that I have had and did not look at the ‘positive’ experiences of capoeira that I have had. I like, separated myself a bunch of ways, defining myself according to capoeira, then splitting capoeira into positive and negative experiences. It is so strange, everything. Everything even the things that I had thought was of myself, when I actually look at it, it was actually me just looking for myself with out even looking at myself. Its so simple yet I just continued to make things complicated. This complexity that I accept within me. But being aware of myself here is much much less complicated than going to look for myself within and as a deluded illusion. Although being aware of myself here I really see what the hell I have allowed within me and sometimes have some trouble, shit, looking for myself somewhere else I would be in something that I cant conjure up, just unawareness. I assume that what I am experiencing now is appreciation of myself here. Its like an appreciation of breathing. I know that there is a helluva lot that I haven’t faced yet but I have myself. I have myself.