Breath

Today I had finally just left. I have really just been in my room for a hell of a long time. I had read something about people who just stay in their rooms all day without being out in the world. I had experienced a hell of a lot of movements just from sitting in my room all day. everyday. Just being n my room. applying myself then going outside for a little while then comming back to my house back to the room, and just 'existing'. I got sick of being in my house just left, to my school that I had used as an excuse to go outside. I really had no reasoin to be outside. I had no reason to participate in anything, I mean just knowing that everything is not what it seems just gives me no reason to be outside. if i want to change anything i gotta change mysefl and within this i had made the idea of staying in my room to change mysefl which really did do something to me but not the something taht i had intended. It kind of got me going to a state of crazy. I had manifestations on me, like pains even a hemorrhoid and then my mind was really fucking with me, i had become really emotional and i just was off. then when I read the hitler post about hemorroids an oh shit moment came up and I just stopped. I stopped. Am stopping as well, what i had allowed myself to become, I hadnt eaten as much either. I dont know what the hell ws up within me. I had just became this obsessive being in a personality. When going out today it ffelt like a whoah. its like i just came out of a prison ceell, that waws how i looked at it but thats what i had accepted adn allowed my room to become. A prison ceell for myself within and as my own accepted and allowed prison cell within and as the mind. i had enjoyed myself today outside. I really felt kind of free. It just was like a relief, Lol, i had said to myself 'in the mind' never again in the room. I understand now being looked in my room away from the world is not the way to go. I separated mysefl from the world and myself. It was kind of strage, went to school, went to eat just enjoyed being outside, and then i knida didnt want to go home and i was kind of stuck at the train station wondering whethere or not to continue my enjoyment or go home and apply myself. It was within that moment I had allowed myself to become entrapped in thoughts. I kept saying what if I now decide to go back outside, will it be self dishonest, then nahh, its me enjoying myself, then another thought came up, that its self dishonest to not go home and apply mysefl. Then i had realized that I had feared going back home. I feared the way i had experienced mysefl while staying in the room all the time. Its strange when i experience something that i dont like or that makes me uncomfortable, i would actually become afraid of the moment, the memory and then define something that relates to the memory and then be afraid of the relationship that I had created within the memory and what I had allowed mysefl to relate it to. Its like this defense mechanism that I had created. to protect me from experiencing 'bad' experiences. I guesss this is where my obsess supress personality traits come from. I am starting to see mysefl a little more clearly now, where the hell, how the hell i am doing things although i am still pretty cloudy within my sight of myself but ill take it slow.

Today I had realized that, while i was outside in manhattan, taht I am pretty controlled by money and how much moeny i have. I didnt realizes how i spent money so often and enjoyed spending it. Itrs pretty intersting because my mother also used to tell me why do i always get money then spend it all right away. I had always liked to spend money, I was really addicted to money for what I had believed for it to do. I believed if I have money i can do what I want. I defined mysefl according to how much money i have. I defined my expression of mysefl according to how much money i have. I defined what I am able to do by ho much money i have. I defined what I do according to how much money i have. Its like when i have money. GOTTA SPEND GOTTA SPEND. Go spend go spend. Its strange, even now when i dont have as many desires as I used to regarding materials, I still continue to just spend money as soon as I get it, assuming that I need something. For me now it is survival things. Things I have a hunch that I will most likely need or can be assited by when things start to get kind of crazy because i know that the dollar is gone. Once that little imaginary note goes away, yea i dont know what it will be like if anything will actually go RIDICULOUSLY crazy but i want to be prepared. I mean look at blackouts, When there was a blackout here ppl went crazy. I mean shit imagine the dollar going out for a moment. I wouldnt want to be unprepared for that but that is no excuse to exist within and as the obsession over spending money on survival things. Its strange because i keep on seeing things that can prove to be so dam beneficial, but its like i have been through this before but its just a different topic. Always consuming consuming and then get tired of it, leave it and move on to another thing. Its a little differnt here because i am actually applying the things that i learn about survival but that is still no excuse, no self comprimise. An obession is an obsession.