Pokemon Song, Obsession, facing me

I have limited myself to the thoughts of the pokemon song. When the song first came up, I was very anxious to release it from myself. Then when I saw that it wasnt going away I figured well, maybe its that I have to just forgive everything that I know about pokemon. I had looked at my old pokemon book startegie guide for for a gameboy game and looked at what i could remember about pokemon, there are about 200 or more pokemon that I can remember. I had emotionally reacted saying this is ridiculous, all of this, I had not wanted to do it. I wanted an easier, simpler way to do it. I did not want to do it, I whined and complained for that i felt I 'had' to do it. It had felt like a chore. I wanted to forgive other points but the pokemon song had kept on playing. I had obsessed over the song and then created a habit of forgiving myself for the song. I even made a habit of letting the song just play in my head, having it control me. This has been going on for a while. I have been trying to apply myself for points but just , keep on geetting circled back to where I am.
I had wondered how this happend I mean, I had fun in the beginging, even though what I forgave myself mostly was fears, I can remember forgiving for other points as well, but it all started while I was at school. I was suffering/out of movement commission from an ankle injury at the time when I started applying self forgiveness. I had tried it. I said i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts feelings and emotions. Then I tried some more, I had wonted thoughts to stop. So then I had become obsessed over applying self forgiveness. I would sit, just sit in the house for hours and hours just writing self forgiveness.
Then I would make lists of forgivenesses to do and then not do them, I did not get them done in the moment because of the vastness that i had seen within what I had written, I just get confused with how to apply myself for whole sheet of forgiveness a just keep applying for that sheet, Maybe i just fea, no I fear losing out on forgiving something else. I fear losing out on forgiving something simpler. I tend to make things complicated. I have made things complicated for my whole life. I dont really understand what is absolute specificity within simplicity.
What the hell is complexity? I assume that this is what keeps me looping around and around in these constant cycles. I have always been shown how to do things, always given exmples, help and things, a form of dependency that I have always exist in. I have realized that about myself while falling and looping, always looking for a sign or something and I keep on getting pains and strange feelings, forinstance I have this pulsating point spot on my left scapula, thats limitation, I wouild assume that I am seriously limiting myself by sitting in this loop and then getting caught in it again and again. This loop actually started before the pokemon song.
I would apply self forgiveness, get excited that I had forgiven a point of myself, then use that excitedment to go outside. And then I would fall, wonder what happened. And this repeated for a while. This is also while I was on vacation from school and just stayed inside all day in my room and just applyed self forgiveness. I completely dropped my life. I stopped playing capoeira, stopped playing video games, stopped watching movies, and it was cool, but when i started staying home all day, yeah thats when it started getting uncool. I would just sit, watch desteni videos, then apply self forgiveness, watch desteni videos, apply self forgiveness. This actually is how I was before starting self forgiveness. I would exist within a pattern. Just a pattern that I would become comfortable with. then i would just live this pattern. I mean all I see reallly now is just patterns, It kinda bothers me to see it and not see at the same time. Its like I can see that I am in it, but i cant see how, or even how specifically to get out of this, these patterns. I had even created a pattern with self forgiveness. Its like i am living in circles I am frikin aware of it, shit.
And i know all this pain on my body is telling me that hey, You Are Fucking With Yourself, STOP THAT SHIT.
Its like it just compounded and i know its just something frikin simple, I had always missed the point of something. That one little point that makes everything. I allowed myself to have fragile foundation when applying self forgiveness.
I started like an 'ok ill try this, see what happens' then I would experience a feeling. It felt nice. It really did feel like a release. I had dedicated myself to stopping thoughts but within this I completely abdicated my life that i had before desteni. Actually, that is pattern of mine too. When my life isnt working out I would find something new and just leave how my life was before i found that something and then delve into that new something and obsess over it for that I realized that I wasnt very fond or even liked the way my life was prior.
It started with my exgirlfriend Lina. It was a bad experience for me. I had done a lot of bad things within that relatioonship, and i had also become obessed over the relationship. Well I guess it didnt start with the relationship since I had become obsessed over hte relationship that means I had walked within that Pattern of Obsession for my whole life.
I obsessed over everything, I mean fucking everything. Its strange because i can remember my mother telling me that I obsess over everything that I do,and that it was both beneficial and non beneficial good and bad, because i would become narrow minded and just forget about everything and then focus on my obsession untill something happens. This is my biggest obstacle that i must face. This pattern of Obsession. I just keep getting obsessed over things. Even little things. Its somehting else, because i dont want to become obsessed over releasing myself from my patterns of obsessions. I also have this attention thing, If I see something that I like, something interesting, i just go, become glued to it. And this i can see is very deep because even little things would attract my attention. Its like polarity construct that I live in, I am either obsessed or I get distracted easily.
Its strange, kind of funny because i was reminded that i was vaccinated when I was younger and that i was given too much at one time, My mother told me that i had a seizure from the vaccinations.
I had blamed the vaccinations for my condition of myself now but I know that is self dishonest.
Whether or not I have been vaccinated does not matter because I am aware of my participations.
This is what I have to face but its like, hard, to move cause its like will i be obsessed or will i be distracted...., and that in itself is an expectation, a future projection within fear.
I mean this is something else.
This me facing me. I will not just allow myself to xist like this.How could live like this? Its just insane. I realize separating myself from who i have become is just another self dishonest act that leave me in a loopdy loop. I have to accept me as who I am here and direct me as the awareness of me with forgiveness.